Maybe I need a new mantra

There is something so deeply lonely about being in your twenties. Mixing in a post adolescent world where people lead completely different lives. Isolating, almost. That you are not special enough to have a unique experience, but at the same time, on an island of thought all on your own. Maybe I’m pinning to much on the ‘mid-twenties’ of it all. I’ve felt a certain shade of sadness cast over myself for a long time. Like a sunrise, everyone looks at with pity, ‘beautiful’ they thought as they prepared for the storm. It was fourth grade to be exact, the moment I first realized, I was sad. Not for any good reason, just sad. Since, I’ve been trying to figure it out, never with much conviction. I was a woman now, living in a new city, surrounded by trinkets of things I would be embarrassed to be caught with at 13, a disposable income enough to support my shopping addiction and love for dinners I couldn’t afford with wine so cheap I certainly could, a man that I loved and loved me right back, a small group of people I could always count on… By fourth grade me standards, the above should have fixed the sadness.

Whenever I get this way… in an overly dramatic portrait of a turn of the century woman freshly lobotomized, (if nothing else, at least I’m self aware) try and think what I would say to a friend going through something similar. Standard replies like ‘The sad will just make the happy so much better,’ to more niche lines like ‘This is only a paper tiger.’

I had gained this phrase in my arsenal of pick me ups by a therapist who insisted I needed a mantra. I had no clue what she meant, but I knew I needed to have one by my appointment the next week. I had really come to love this therapist, even if I was never completely honest with her, she was certainly the closest I had gotten to truth with a phycology professional. So, as a grade school overachiever, I knew I had to come back with my damn homework done. And as any grade school overachiever and professional procrastinator would do, I typed ‘good mantras for anxiety’ 15 minutes before leaving to my session as quickly into pinterest as I could, still unsure what a mantra really was. I scrolled past the basic ones you would find on wooden signs at Marshall’s to stumble upon what seemingly seemed perfect within the limited time constraints. ‘Its only a paper tiger.’ What this phrase has meant to me has molded throughout the years, and I’m sure it will be ever- evolving but I do know, it will be with me for life. Thanks Jo-Ann, you did your big one.

I try and remember these phrases, and I can’t lie, they do help to a certain degree. It’s not the cure all solution, but makes sitting in the sad a lil more comfy. An upgrade, from the middle seat on an economy flight, to window seat in business class. Still not the best, but also not the worst.